3 lessons on building better team connections
Based upon the the talk between Simon Sinek and Fredrik Backman and connected to some of our relevant masterclasses to bring it back to field hockey...
I love the podcast by Simon Sinek called “ A Bit Of Optimism”. He has a way to talk with interesting people of all walks of life and bring out life lessons that stick with you. Being the hockey nerd I am, I often try to distill some lessons for field hockey coaches from these talks. For example this one with a former Navy Seal Commander about the quiet power of the empathetic leader.
In the final weeks of 2025 Sinek spoke with Fredrik Backman with a key life lesson I thought was more than worth sharing:
What if friendships or relationships or connections are not so much a matter of luck, but rather built through effort?
Bestselling novelist Fredrik Backman, the mind behind "A Man Called Ove" (adapted into the Tom Hanks film "A Man Called Otto"), "Anxious People", and the Beartown series, has spent his career writing about the quiet power of ordinary people. But in his real life, he learned one of his most important lessons from his best friend of 30 years: meaningful friendship is a skill you develop, not a lottery you win.
Backman is a Swede, so he’d probably think of skates and pucks when hockey is mentioned. We’ll forgive him this lack of knowledge about the real game of hockey, because his life lessons are perfectly adaptable to our field hockey team and daily coaching activities.
If you have an hour to spare for some deep listening, the video below comes highly recommend :
If you have some (extra) 15 minutes to spare, read on because below are 3 life lessons by Backman translated to our world of field hockey.
3 coachable lessons for stronger field hockey connections
Invest intentionally: small inner circle over broad ties: Backman argues meaningful relationships aren’t luck; they’re built through repeated, intentional “showing up,” even when inconvenient. Prioritize a core group (captains, senior players, key staff) you can count on in tough moments and celebrate with in good ones—without envy. Create recurring touchpoints: weekly captain huddles, post‑match debriefs, and short one‑to‑ones. The goal is consistent presence, not occasional big gestures. Backman even states clearly he would prefer quantity over quality time…
Use “friends as editors”: slow down reactions, then communicate: He describes venting privately and letting trusted people help “edit” initial feelings into constructive messages. Apply this with your leadership group: before you address the team after a heated match, do a quick captain‑coach “edit” of your message. Build a culture where leaders help each other turn raw emotion into clarity, so public communication is measured and fair.
Set rules for conflict and celebrate differences: Backman highlights agreeing on boundaries for fighting and recognizing that being different makes relationships stronger. With your squad, codify simple conflict rules (no threats, no personal attacks; address issues fast, face‑to‑face) and teach players to value contrasting styles—your calm distributor and your fiery pressing forward both matter. Pair “different” players for reflective sessions (video review, role explanation) so they learn to see and strive for each other’s best qualities.
These are all “work on you” practices: consistent time, edited communication, and clear norms that make the relationships that matter resilient across a long season.
So when I combine these life lessons with some of the hockey lessons from our masterclasses and workshops at The Hockey Site, we get this…
Lesson 1: Build Your Core Deliberately
The Backman Principle
Backman argues that the most meaningful relationships aren’t accidental—they’re the product of repeated, intentional presence. Not grand gestures. Not occasional team-building weekends. Just consistent showing up, especially when it’s inconvenient. The people who matter most, he says, are those you can count on in crisis and celebrate with in victory, without jealousy poisoning the well.
For field hockey coaches, this translates to a specific structural choice: prioritize your leadership core—captains, vice-captains, senior players, and key staff—over attempting to maintain equally deep relationships with every squad member.
What The Hockey Site Coaches Say
Adam Commens, Belgium’s High Performance Director during their Olympic gold campaign, saw this principle in action across two eras. Reflecting on the 2004 Kookaburras gold medal team, he describes a “culture of caring and mateship” that endured: “This team, we’re still friends and I still talk with many of them today, even though I live in Belgium and they’re scattered around the world... That culture of caring and mateship still exists today.”[1]
The Belgium Red Lions exemplified the same pattern: “When they go on holidays, usually they go on holidays with each other. We spend hundreds of days a year together and then when they have time off, they go on holidays together. So it’s a testament to the culture of mateship and friendship and caring that exists within that team.”[1]
But Commens emphasizes that this doesn’t happen by accident. Theo ten Hagen, working with that same Belgian team in the early day of their rise to the top, puts it bluntly: “If the staff is not aligned with you...then it won’t work. So first we try to align the staff, what will they want to achieve, and then if they are aligned, then we can move on and work with the team.”[2]
That hierarchy matters. Staff alignment creates the foundation. Then leadership players. Then the broader squad. Trying to do it simultaneously, or in reverse order, fractures under pressure.
Practical Application for Coaches
Rather than spreading yourself thin, create recurring touchpoints with your core:
Weekly staff meetings : 30 minutes, same time, no agenda required—just space for what’s actually happening in the squad
Weekly leadership group meetings : 30 minutes, same time, no agenda required—just space for what’s actually happening in the squad
One-on-one check-ins : monthly 15-minute conversations with each member of your leadership group and staff
The goal isn’t elaborate structures. It’s predictable presence. Your leadership group should know with certainty: “Every Tuesday at 7pm, we’re together.” That predictability—Backman’s “showing up”—builds the foundation for everything else.
And crucially, this isn’t about creating hierarchy for its own sake. It’s about force multiplication. Ric Charlesworth, reflecting on his coaching philosophy, emphasizes the power of belief in this core group: “I never met a player yet who knew how good they could be. My job as the coach was to keep lifting the bar... I had to have ambition for them. I had to have high expectations for them.”[3]
When your core group is deeply connected to you and to each other, they transmit culture, surface problems early, and model the behaviors you want from the full squad. Charlesworth continues: “Important message you have as a coach for the players is I believe you can do it. I trust you. I think you can do it. I’m going to give you the opportunity.”[3]
You can’t scale personal connection to 20+ players; you can scale it to 3-5 leaders who then carry it forward—and your belief in them becomes their belief in the broader squad.
Lesson 2: Process Emotions with Your Leadership Group Before Team Talks
The Backman Principle
Backman describes venting to trusted people who help “edit” raw emotional reactions into constructive messages before broadcasting them widely. It’s emotional regulation that prevents damage while still honoring authentic feelings. Process first, craft second, deliver third.
Some messages can’t wait and need to be delivered in the heat of the moment. That’s fine if you recognize and treat these as such. Key thoughts and messages require Backman’s framework: pause, process with trusted allies, then speak. The edit transforms heat into clarity.
What The Hockey Site Coaches Say
Adam Commens built this principle directly into Belgium’s values-based coaching framework. Rather than reactive emotional outbursts, he embedded values into the language coaches used daily: “When you start to see it coming back from your players, then you know that you’ve embedded those values within your group.”[4]
His approach to team talks centered on hitting specific values rather than raw emotion: “If any one of those values are not shown, you can quickly hit on it at halftime. So halftime or quarter time comes in, guys, we wanna play with pride in the shirt, and I’m seeing people not chasing back, their reactions are too slow, we’re jumping when the ball’s being hit into the circle. We need to get a bit more pride back and play with passion.”[4]
This requires managing expectations carefully. Andreu Enrich, discussing the Pygmalion Effect with Ric Charlesworth, warns about the danger of unprocessed emotion creating frustration: “We should, as coaches, try to find this balance between being pessimist in a constructive way and optimist as well... It’s a conversation. It’s always the outcome of a conversation and a meeting point between two parties where we confront each other.”[5]
Mati Vila, coaching Argentina’s national programs and top clubs in domestic leagues, emphasizes reading the room before speaking: “Try to start from positive things and then go on the things to improve understanding the mood of the team. Be empathic, speak from your heart, be honest on how the team is performing.”[6]
But here’s the nuance Vila adds: “Better few relevant coaching points with also an opinion from players than monologue.” The “editing” process Backman describes isn’t just about managing your own emotion—it’s about incorporating player perspective before you speak.
Theo ten Hagen, Dutch mental coach, extends this with personality insights: “Some people like to have quite tough feedback. And some people have to be a little bit more careful because they have another preference. So it helps you to understand which preference people have to give feedback, but also how to receive feedback.”[2]
Your leadership group can help you navigate this terrain. Before you deliver a difficult message to the full squad, they can tell you: “Player X is already fragile after that last loss—start with validation before critique” or “The forwards are fired up, they’ll receive direct challenge well right now.”
Build an “editing protocol” with your leadership group:
After difficult moments (tough loss, poor training session, team conflict), take a minute with your captains before addressing the full squad
Share your raw reaction: “Here’s what I’m feeling. Here’s what I want to say.”
Ask for their edit: “How should I say this? What does the team need to hear right now? What will land and what will bounce off?”
Deliver your refined message—clearer, more targeted, accounting for team mood and individual differences
This practice does double duty: it prevents you from saying something counterproductive in the heat of the moment, and it teaches your leadership group emotional regulation they’ll need when addressing teammates themselves.
Vila notes: “Nowadays, you know, it’s more about like, it’s more about convincing and making agreements together than imposing.”[6] The editing process with your core group models this collaborative approach—you’re not dictating, you’re co-creating the message.
Lesson 3: Co-Create Conflict Protocols and Honor Personality Differences
The Backman Principle
Backman’s final insight: conflict is inevitable, but productive conflict is designed. First, agree in advance on boundaries for disagreement (no personal attacks, no threats, address issues quickly and face-to-face). Second, actively recognize that differences make teams stronger. Your patient build-up specialist and your aggressive pressing forward both matter—not despite their differences, but because of them.
Adam Commens confronted this directly when coaching talented but uncommitted players: “As coaches, we always have...a struggle... I quite often talk with youth coaches in Belgium. And I even say that hard work is not a value, or not a value or a unique selling point for us... And I asked them, do they possess any of the selection criteria that we’re after?”
His solution? Create environments where different types of talent can flourish: “I wouldn’t suggest that you take the more committed player. I would suggest that you take the talented player and try to create an environment where they’re challenged to bring that creativity and talent to the team.”
But this requires a fundamental shift in how coaches view their role. Ric Charlesworth, in discussion with Andreu Enrich about the Pygmalion Effect, makes this explicit: “When you’re a coach, you never change anybody. You create an environment where they can change, but they have to change themselves. And this is an act of free will.”[5]
Theo ten Hagen’s work with personality profiling directly validates this. He describes creating “one language” for behavior that allows teams to discuss differences productively: “We created quite some open atmosphere where people could be vulnerable. Open up, try to understand.”[2]
The key insight: “Value the diversity within the team and see what people need from each other.” This isn’t passive tolerance of differences—it’s active celebration and strategic deployment of them.
Charlesworth extends this to leadership structure itself: “You need a critical mass of leaders for a team to be successful. Nobody has all of the characteristics you want of a leader, but most of the people in your team have something to offer... I think captaincy is an anachronism from the last century when life was very different and hierarchical. I don’t think it is that way now.”[5]
Ben Bishop offers a practical solution: Give different players different leadership portfolios: and also “Your job as leaders is to go and scout someone or look at other sports and learn, pick out ways other high performing teams are doing things and bring them back to our team.”[7]
Practical Application for Coaches
Early-season conflict protocol session (30 minutes):
Gather your squad and facilitate discussion around three questions:
“When we disagree about tactics, roles, or effort—how should we handle it?”
“What’s off-limits in how we challenge each other?”
“How quickly should we address tension rather than letting it fester?”
Capture their answers. Write them on a poster. Display them in your changing room. Reference them when conflict arises: “Remember we agreed: face-to-face within 24 hours. How can I help you two have that conversation?”
Ongoing celebration of differences:
In team talks, explicitly name contrasting strengths: “Notice how Emma’s patience in build-up creates space for Jess’s aggressive runs. Different styles, stronger team.”
Pair contrasting players for reflective exercises: your most tactical player reviews video with your most instinctive player; they explain their decision-making to each other
Use personality insights (whether formal tools like personality profiles or informal observation) to adapt communication: direct challenge for some, gentle encouragement for others
Theo ten Hagen warns against one-size-fits-all feedback: “If you do the wrong thing the other way around, you lose two players.”[2] The protocol and the personality awareness together create what Bishop calls “real, robust, and reflective” relationships that survive the pressure of a long season.
Three Immediate Actions for Field Hockey Coaches
1. Schedule Recurring Leadership Touchpoints This Week
Open your calendar right now. Block 30 minutes weekly for staff and leadership group meetings and monthly 15 minutes of individual leadership debriefs. Make them recurring. The consistency matters more than the agenda. Your captains knowing “we’re together every Tuesday at 7pm” builds the showing-up pattern that creates trust.
2. Create Your Editing Protocol Before the Next High-Stakes Moment
Before your next important match, brief your leadership group: “After this game, before I talk to the full team, I’m taking 2 minutes with you to process. Help me get my message right.” Practice this even after routine training. Make it a habit before crisis demands it.
3. Run Your Conflict Protocol Session
At your next full-squad session, pose those three questions about disagreement, off-limits behavior, and timing for addressing tension. Capture answers. Create a visible poster. Reference it frequently. This small investment prevents countless hours of dysfunction later.
The Pitch-Side Reality
These three lessons from Backman and Sinek—validated and extended by The Hockey Site’s archive of elite coaching insights—share a common thread: they’re all proactive relationship infrastructure. Not reactive crisis management. Not hoping good chemistry emerges organically. Deliberate design of how humans connect, process emotion, and handle inevitable conflict.
You won’t see immediate results on the scoreboard. But commit to them over weeks and months, and you’ll notice: your leadership group solves problems before they reach you. Your team recovers from setbacks faster. Players challenge each other directly and repair relationships easily. The margin between winning and losing in modern field hockey is razor-thin. The team that holds together under pressure has an advantage no tactical innovation can match.
Adam Commens stated outright: Connection is more important than tactics!
Build those connections deliberately. Process emotion with your core before broadcasting it widely. Co-create the rules for productive conflict, and actively celebrate the differences that make your team resilient.
